Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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