u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
