I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
wow bdsm is so cute
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
