Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
