she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
