best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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