Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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