youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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