dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
