forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
