Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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