Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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