I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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