I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
