dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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