You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My ATM looks so different sober.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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