I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
