We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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