i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
