You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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