dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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