those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
