he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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