no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
