i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Damn victory sex feels great
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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