I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
