trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
