Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
