Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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