Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
soo... how was my night?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
