I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
