He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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