I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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