having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
