my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
