So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Randomize
