you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
