My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
