So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
