I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize