did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
