I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't turn off my feet"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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