Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
