no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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