That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
