Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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