Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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