please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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