Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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