Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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