Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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