look no pants
only if we run a train.
done.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
