I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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