Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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