my mouth tastes like poor choices
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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