And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
