Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
