I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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