god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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