drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
