So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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