If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
