you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
