this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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