I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
a search helicopter?!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
