My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
