Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
