he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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