So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
